By: Schuyler Playford
This is partly an introduction to polyamory and partly a personal commentary on love. Please don't take it as the final word on either. More than anything, I'd really like to talk to people about this article (or, of course, whatever), but if that's not possible either because you don't want to, or because you don't know me, there's a ton of information about polyamory on the internet. And so we begin...

Here is a short excerpt from www.polyamory.com :

Polyamory, translated, means "many loves." Briefly, a polyamorous person is one who feels it is natural to romantically love more than just one person at a time. A polyamorous person may have more than one person that s/he considers to be a "lover,"* for example. Polyamory is about love, without constraint by the dictates of society, defined only by the parameters that we, as individuals, impose upon it.
(* I substituted “lover” for “spouse” because I feel it describes my interpretation of polyamory more accurately)

Basically, I have decided that for the time being, monogamy has nothing of any value to offer me.

what is monogamy?

Monogamy is the practice of having only one “mate.” For our purposes, it refers to marriages and pseudo marriages (aka “going out”). I think it’s important to understand that monogamy is not a type of relationship, but rather a condition put on a relationship (the sexual type). Meaning that everything which exists in monogamous relationships (minus the security, I suppose) can exist without the condition of monogamy artificially superimposed on them.
People decide they like each other first, and then decide that they want exclusive sexual and romantic rights to one another. My suggestion is that it is entirely possible to experience all the wonderful things you experience with someone you are going out with, in absence of the desire to “own” another person. I recently read a book called “The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities.” It wasn't very informative, but a line that stuck in my mind was: “People don’t complete one another, they compliment one another.” I think it's true.

The nature of love

Many people have said to me that their beef with polyamory is that they are so madly in love with one person that they just “don’t want to be with anyone else” (I use the quotation marks because it is a direct quote, not to be condescending). That may well be. I’ve been there. And I’ve felt that overwhelming obsession with a person (or idea?); that kind of crazy love that makes you want to never let go. But I think that’s a relationship based on dependence (“I need you”), rather than a relationship based on affection and mutual interest (“I love you”).
Besides, if it were really about people being madly in love with just one person, I think we'd all hear a lot more of this sort of thing: “Baby, I only have eyes for you. But I think you should be free to have intimate and powerful relationships with other people.” Isn't that what someone would say to their lover, whom they deeply adored, and whom they wanted to be happy, if love were altruistic? However, I don't hear that every day. So I think it's safe to say that monogamous relationships aren’t usually one-sided; it's a condition placed on both people who are involved in the relationship. I think the real reason people but this restriction on their sexual relationships is reassure each member of a couple that their pseudo-marriage is true love. Because true love is what happens between two people when they don’t love anybody else, right?

Is it love or is it jealousy?

Now we get to the heart of it – my opinion on monogamy: that it is based on insecurity and jealousy.
Jealousy and insecurity are not, I believe, anything to be ashamed of. I’m jealous and insecure all the time. However, I do believe that in order to have more fulfilling and interesting lives, it is important to confront these emotions. Let’s grow!

Label vs. Lifestyle

Polyamory is not like “Well, we’re going out, but we don’t really want to call it that.” It’s about loving and letting love. It’s about having the freedom to experience everything, and allowing others that freedom. Not just because you have to (in order to satisfy them), but because you want them to be just as free and happy as you want yourself to be.

This is the introduction to the chapter called “Slut Economies” from “The Ethical Slut”:

“Many traditional attitudes about sexuality are based on the idea that there isn't enough of something – love, sex, friendship, commitment – to go around. If you believe this, if you think that there is a limited amount of what you want, it can seem very important to stake your claim to your share of it. You may believe that you have to take your share away from somebody else, since if it's all that good a thing someone else probably already has it (how unfair!). Or you may believe that if someone else gets something, that there must be less of it for you.”

Love is not a finite commodity.

It has been my experience that by having a relationship with Jim, I am not in any way lessening my relationship with Lisa. In fact, if I think Jim is an engaging, interesting person, how could my experiences with him do anything but make me an all round more passionate, joyous person? That being said, it follows that the more “Jims” I know, the better my relationships with all the “Lisas” will be. Of course that is an oversimplified example. What I am trying to say is that the more engaged and interesting I am, the more fun I will be. We can all learn from each other. I don’t see the purpose in setting up artificial boundaries on relationships.

So what?

So, nothing. So, if you're interested, talk about it. So, if you read this and think “Yuck. This is not for me,” your loss. I honestly believe that the only people this is not for are those who won't open their minds to it. I'd really like to hear any feedback. I can be reached in person (yay!) or through a screen at schuylerplayford@hotmail.com